Tuesday
28Apr2009
How to survive the Aporkalypse
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 at 10:24AM
Obviously the swine flu is very worrying. I mean, who really wants trotters, a snout, and wiry hair on their neck? Anyway, rather than spending your life in terror and looking suspiciously at sausage rolls, why not use the epidemic to your advantage?
Below are a few ideas. Feel free to add your own in the comments. The best one gets a bag of pork scratchings.
Carry a pack of bacon at all times. If someone annoys you simply rub it in their face and watch them freak out.
Start historically informed rumours. For example: Apparently, the U.S. is considering the forcible internment of people with slightly upturned noses.
Wrap a piglet in a towel and carry it under your arm. Find that queues at the supermarket dissolve as you approach, and that getting an empty seat on the bus is a doddle.
Show that you're internets-cool by tagging your flu-related tweets with a look-at-me-I'm-clever hashtag. Try #epigdemic, #aporkalypse, #snoutbreak, #swineflu, or my favourite, #hamdemic.
Take random days off work by claiming that you have a runny nose, achy bones, and a strange compulsion to roll around in your own faeces.
Rehash those oh-so-lame pig jokes.
Make the case to cancel that stressful family holiday on the continent. Spend a fortnight vegetating on the couch watching sports and adding to your collection of belly-button fluff.
Finally you have a socially acceptable excuse for forgoing that vile custom of shaking people's hand. YES!
If your wife catches you in a bar without your wedding ring, tell her that it's unhygienic and harbours the virus.
Start ill-informed superstitions. For example: I heard that, if you wash your genitals in rose-oil after having full-sex with a pig, you won't catch the flu.
Write openly hateful comments about pigs (pigist?) on the websites of national newspapers and the Big British Castle.
Demand that Five cancels Peppa Pig, if only to desperately discourage your 2-year-old daughter from demanding every piece of cat-shit merchandise it inspires.
Finally, remember this, some people you don't like might die.
Below are a few ideas. Feel free to add your own in the comments. The best one gets a bag of pork scratchings.
Reader Comments (5)
I feel a pork kebab coming on.
A few things:
1) I already have wiry hair on my neck.
2) I'm trying to start a meme where people refer to it as PIG AIDS
3) The Jews and Muslims are laughing SO hard right now
2) Is that similar to Dog Aids? My brother in law, Matt, has that.
ace list!
Aporkalypse... I love it, but I think you hamming it up Tyger